Neko Case, An Agent of My Poor Self-Esteem?

I recently posted on Facebook that I dreamt I was in Neko Case's band but got kicked out after the first song. This is an absolutely true dream and I've been chewing on it for the past few days.

The question that keeps coming back to me is: Who dreams that they get kicked out?

Most people, it would seem, would dream about being in the band and everything is wonderful, heck your even the star.

Me, I don't even make it past the first song! What's that say? Does it say anything?

I'll be honest, it wasn't until I was 30yrs old that it actually occurred to me that I might not be that good. It wasn't because I had thought I was good all that time, but I was having so much fun playing it never really dawned on me that I might not be so hot.

Why 30? Well, people would say, "How old are you?" and I'd reply 19 or 23 or 20something, etc., and they'd say, "your pretty good for (insert age)." The your pretty good for (insert age) stopped after I turned 30. I had become too old to be thought of as good simply because I was young.

So a startling realization began to sink in a few yrs ago, was I good because I was 19 or because I was good?

So, I've been working seriously hard to get better, like I did when I was trying to first learn, and over the past 2yrs I've been practicing 1-2yrs a night + gigging most every weekend and I can safely say that I've improved...or at least I thought I had until this dream!

Maybe Neko isn't so much an agent of my poor self-esteem as she is a kick in the butt to not settle where I'm at. That even though I've gotten better, I know I'm still not where I'd like to be, where I hear myself being. I'm happy with the improvements that I've made, but I'm still frustrated enough to want to learn more and develop further.

Maybe in a few months I'll have another dream and if I make it to the 2nd song before I get kicked out, I'll know I've made some progress!

Thanks Neko, I love your music!